I understand.
I want you to know this in a powerful way.
In a deeper way.
In a way that takes you out of the foxhole you are fighting from.
I understand.
What it feels like to give it your all
To do everything in your power
To be told that it is enough
And to stumble at the finish line
You believed you were meant to reach
And in the lonely hours that follow
asking what the point is
knowing the right answer that sounds good in your head
and feeling punched in the gut regardless
I understand
Watching a loved one lose their grip on life
And seeing them hold on so tight
You hold on tight too
And then they learned how to let go
But forgot to give you that instruction manual
And like locked fingers after releasing a heavy load
You don’t know how to open up again.
I understand
Sitting and feeling paralyzed
As if the smallest task was hoisting a 300 pound weight
And the shame of feeling lazy
And unproductive
And knowing you are none of those things
And wanting the words to explain it
Feeling the need to explain it
Waiting until the feeling passes
Hiding in movie theaters
And in plain sight
until you can engage life again
I understand
When out of nowhere tears form behind your eyes
And no one else knows behind your calm stare
Is a raging river ready to burst over
And you control it
For now
Suffering through emotional incontinence
Knowing you have no control when
And a healthy fear of looking at why
I understand
The courage it takes to get of bed
And show up when every bone in your body says otherwise
when people say you are an extrovert
it means something
and when you walk slower in a hallway or sidewalk to avoid talking to someone
It means you are a bad person
Every time you say “what is wrong with me”
I understand
I am also learning
Present tense
Still figuring it out
I want you to know this in a powerful way
In a deeper way.
In a way that takes you out of the foxhole you are fighting from.
I am also learning
That the sun doesn’t really rise and fall
It’s not dramatic like that
The world just keeps on spinning
And if I stay grounded with my eyes open
I get to see and participate in life as it happens
Instead of feeling like it’s happening to me
I am also learning
To accept that I too will die
And allowing that knowledge to add value to today
Not as moments to be hoarded
But moments to be LIVED
And the more I hold on to the heavy things in life
The harder it will be to receive unanticipated blessings when they arrive
Its like that
With the moments that truly change our lives
They are not planned events
more like the wind whipping up out of nowhere
and instead of bracing yourself against it
you take a deep breathe in and feel alive again
I am also learning
Change does not arise from hiding
Or the belief no one will understand
And that tools make life easier
No one ever called the invention of the wheel a weakness
And so when I encounter a new way to ease my practice of living
That doesn’t dull and keeps me engaged in life
It’s worth a look
And that discovery will happen
In transparent conversation
With another
I am also learning
I need to cry more
And stop editing at the false bottom of release
To spend more time talking and sharing bout what lurks beneath
Not as a deepening of sadness
But an uncovering of layers
bringing it into the light
And saying out loud to every darkness that lurks,
In the immortal words from Labyrinth
“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me!”
I also understand
I will fall down again
I will forget all I have learned
And maybe
When I sit clutched in fear and fury in my foxhole
You will understand
And tell me what you have learned
And this is how
We love each other
building our community
of human beings
Making each other great
And whole
Dear John,
I have missed reading your monthly posts and insights. I find them strikingly honest and authentic in a dishonest and false world. Thank you as always for sharing and being vulnerable. This post reminds me of some reading I have done by a spiritual director Anthony de Mello who I personally draw off of titles “Awareness”. I am also in awe of your ability to make your words, rhythm and rhetoric flow. Thank you for being inspiring and a vulnerable fellow human.
With gratitude,
Jillian
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Thank you so much for this Jillian. It means a lot that you not j my take the time to rad but also to share your feedback and words with me. I’ll have to check out Anthony as well. Have a great rest of your week 👊
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