I just spent two hours writing a post that I am not going to share. Its all right and its all wrong. I spent 4 pages writing passionately about a topic and when I read it, it felt like I had walked into a beautifully staged Manhattan apartment for sale. All the pieces are right, but the feeling just isn’t there.
The reason is because I was not speaking from the place of my own experience, from the place of I.
It’s the reason I have not shared anything on this blog in several weeks. Every time I pick up the proverbial pen, I want to go into fix it, beige vanilla do not look at me mode. I want to tell you the solution. How to get you to the letter Z without sharing that I am literally on the letter D and plodding my way through the alphabet.
I do not have all the answers and what I can share is how I am okay with my life right now and how my current perspective is empowering me to enjoy and choose the life that I have.
I am actively choosing my life. In the last 6 weeks I have examined every part of my life. My friendships, relationships, work, and daily activities are all now active choices. Regardless of how long or the manner in which they were previously present in my life, they all exist now with brand new acceptance and space.
I did this in my yoga practice as a physical embodiment of the power to choose. I realized sometimes my drishti or gaze is so rigid, I forget that I always have the power to choose this moment. So while I was in Eagle pose, I closed my eyes and opened them with the chance to begin again. To choose exactly where I would set my vision unattached from where I had previously set it. Sometimes it worked out that my eyes landed on the same spot. Other times I found a completely new place on the wall. Sometimes I completely fell out of the pose and others I felt a renewed sense of foundation and strength.
Each time though, I had the experience of having the power of choice and complete acceptance with each outcome. The coolest thing I noticed was a renewed appreciation for the actual wall. By being so focused on only one spot, I forgot that no matter how I look at or relate to the wall, its power and connection to my practice is always there, and I always have the power to choose connection.
I do not have any goals right now, as an active choice. My entire focus is on developing practices in life that support my ability to be fully present in each moment that I have chosen to be a part of my life. In my relationship at work, that means developing a practice or organization that allows me to communicate and work with my team in a timely way, with precision and awareness. In my relationships it looks like dedicating time each day to spend meaningful time with the people in my life. I know I cant spend time with everyone, and I can take that time each day for meaningful connection with someone.
I choose to be active in many pursuit so my physical health, endurance and mental clarity is important. To support this I regularly practice yoga, perform cardio exercise, lift weights, eat whole foods most of the time and I have completely stopped drinking
Focusing on the process and practice that supports the connections and activities I choose is incredibly freeing. It allows me to be fully present to each interaction without attachment to how it is going to turn out. My happiness right now is not dependent on winning or achieving, its dependent on giving the full measure of life of presence I have to offer each person and each situation.
The most difficult thing for me to process during this transformation is the realization of the damage of who I have been, my dislike of it, and not to dwell in the past. I have made several work commitments that were not followed up on in a timely manner. I have not called people I consider friends for weeks on end. I have not offered and demonstrated love and listening when it was needed. I have been distracted, absent and missed countless opportunities owing in large part to my own self-generated and induced laziness.
The consequence of my own re-calibration is coming face to face with the reality of how each person and circumstances really is in my life today, and acknowledging that I am the source of how it is.
The road I have traveled in my 36 years on this earth seems to have been filled with many hi’s and many low’s. What I am realizing is the road has been flat this whole time. I am the one who looked back and distorted the past view to justify my current condition as being on the way down or on the way up. Whatever felt better, whether I wanted to wear the victim coat or the hero jacket. It was either up or down.
It really just is.
The road ahead of me right now is full of people I love. It is full of moment to moment choices and decisions, some of which may work out and others which may cause unexpected detours or changes of course.
Today I want to share with you that no matter where you are, no matter what is happening in your life, you have the power to choose it. Partner with it. Send it your forgiveness, your understanding, your presence and your awareness. If it is worth enjoying, enjoy it. If it is not the most pleasant, accept it and move on to what you can manifest in your life that will bring joy today.
You are never defined by what has happened to you or what will happen to you. We all have the power to engage life right now, and when we do we create life and all the possibility it holds, which in my experience….